within a date.

7.09.2012

While I was taking a marriage & relations class, I learned that we- as unstable, emotion-dependent, human beings- associate feelings within dates. Regardless of year, we carry on this emotion even though the event has long passed.

November 26. My birthday. Happy & self serving.
January 6. Marriage Anniversary. Celebratory & sensual. (Oolala.)
July 9. The day my mom died. Sorrow.

Today has been fine.

I woke up too late & painted my nails. McKay called midway through my work day to say i love you & i'm wearing my favorite pants. I'm planning on going to Starbucks for a double chocolaty chip frappe.

However,

I feel quiet. I replay this day, seven years ago. It was a Sunday & I was twelve. She was in a car accident. The evening before she called to say she was moving back to Utah in a few weeks. We'd be a family again.

Since then,
I started & finished middle school. I graduated high school. I started college. I got married. A lot of life has happened since then but it always slows down today. Her death dictates July 9th. Today I think of her death, not of her life. I don't think she wanted to maim this day, so we're bidding this day adieu.

On the other days, I will think of her life.

5 comments :

  1. This literally brought me to tears.
    But one thing's for sure, she loves you. And she's proud of you.
    Stay strong, and thank you for your example.

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  2. That's for sure. She is looking down - thinking how much you have accomplished, how successful you are, and how inspiring. I don't think she could ask for anything better than who you've become.

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  3. I feel the same way on my dad's anniversary.. I wish I could tell you get it gets easier... but its been 14 years... and its the hardest day of my life.. It is never easy to loose a parent..

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  4. this post is beyond words. thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete

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