conviction.

3.28.2013

Months ago, I was asked, "have you ever questions why you are mormon?"

I thought if by answering "yes" that would deem me unfaithful or faltering in my faith. I was born & raised in the church so I thought I shouldn't have a reason.

But the answer is yes.

In 2005, my mom was living in Wisconsin with my grandma to cope with her divorce. I didn't understand it then, but I do now. Often she would put mothering first & her marriage second which caused a lot of unhappiness for her & my dad. So, she left the state to take the time to better herself as a mother & person. I was angry then. As a child, I needed my mother. I didn't understand her personal needs. She tried her best to be the mom we wanted & to heal her emotional wounds. Nevertheless, I was unforgiving.

She called every day. On a warm saturday evening in July, we chatted over the phone. It was the first day I started playing the cello. She promised to be there for my first concert. She passed away that evening in a car accident.

The God I believed in suddenly turned into a spiteful God. I started to question my religion. I thought my trial quota was full but the scales tipped when she died. Though it is a phrase that doesn't hold enough weight to justify how i felt, it was unfair.

I was unhappy. I blamed a lot of people- my dad, his wife, the people in my church. I especially blamed God for giving me false hope that she would continue planning birthday parties and being there to fight with me. For some reason, I felt entitled to a mother.

While I was in high school, I was exhausted. My anger simmered, however, my faith was weak. Regardless of my distaste, God blessed me. He blessed me with temporary mothers. Lots of them. There wasn't a time in my high school years that I didn't have a mother. He provided me with a mother to fight with who probably had the hardest job being married to my dad. I haven't ever given her enough credit for what she has done for me. He has given me mothers to bond with, to go to lunch with, to send me "check up" texts, to go dress shopping for every occasion, and to love me unconditionally. Now being married, I have the world's greatest mother in law. I feel truly blessed by God.

I didn't always believe that this church was for me. I didn't always believe any sort of religion was for me. I was living on borrowed testimonies. However, years later. I can testify that I have gone through a personal conversion. I believe that this church is the true church. I believe that for myself. I believe that regardless of the anger, sorrow, or pain you are feeling, it can be mended through the Atonement. Though my mother isn't here, I know that I will be with her again. I testify that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints will provide happiness. Regardless of what you believe, believe it for yourself. Stand with conviction.

15 comments :

  1. way to stand with conviction. thanks for sharing.

    xo

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  2. Love this! Like you said, when trials come sometimes it's hard to see God's hand in it, but it's always evident later how he helped us through it :)

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  3. Thanks for sharing your testimony. I'm glad you let yourself be driven towards God instead of away from your trials.

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  4. Naturally I cried when I read this. Love you Megs. Thanks for your testimony.

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  5. this totally made me tear up.
    your such a beautiful inspiration.

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  6. i'm an emotional wreck over way too many things in this world.

    i confess that this is one of them.

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  7. solid post, thank you for this.

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  8. I commend you for posting this, but I still wonder, or maybe it's my intrigue for mormon beliefs, but what exactly about LDS beliefs tell you that this is the way of life that's right for you?

    (curious, not aiming for any offensiveness, I swear)

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