the neighbor.

12.13.2013

Let me tell you about my neighbor.

We live in a duplex. So, essentially, we live in one house with another human, split by a thin wall that hides all of our dirty laundry- literally.

Here are some facts I know about the neighbor.

1: in her car, she has a lei draped over her mirror. I imagine to add some sort of decor to her corolla without much effort.
2: noting the previous fact, she is probably very practical.
3: she has a tiffany blue bike with a basket that she parks in our backyard. I have contemplated taking it out for the spin but am too worried that she will pull up with her car & lei.
4: she watches the news which means she pays for a cable package & probably opts out of netflix. That also leads me to believe she is making in rain (with the money, for those of you not up to date with rap culture.) Perhaps she is involved with the drug cartel. Or just has a really great job.
5: she also laughs a lot when watching Reba. I know this because once I pressed my ear up again the living room wall.
6: during the summer, she planted tomatoes in the back yard. She also kept them alive which is amazing.
7: she intentionally & aggressively avoids mckay & i.

We have never met. We have lived in the same house for a year but she acts like we are the creepy old guy that walks around in his house naked with his blinds open. We have offered friendly gestures & a "hello, we are your new neighbors" note.

So,

Neighbor,
I would just like to let you know, next time your trash can decides to ride the waves when our neighborhood floods- I'm not rescuing it again. Also, I'm going to kill your tomatoes.
Love,
your totally not weird neighbors.

I better include another note, just in case she is shy & not a stone-cold human.

Neighbor,
I understand that social interactions make you nauseous but I would really appreciate if I could trust my neighbor enough to call me if our house was on fire. I might even take in your mail when you go home for the holidays. Also, I bake a lot. You could enjoy all of the benefits of being our neighbor if you choose to forgo your avoiding spree.
Love,
your totally friendly, super cool neighbors.

6 comments :

  1. Thank you for not being the type of blogger that exploits themselves in every way possible and tries to get as many followers as they can by sponsoring stupid giveaways and getting "sponsors". Thank you for keeping the integrity of the blogging world!

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  2. This is hilarious. You are hilarious!

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  3. This is one of those blog posts that stays with you. Still laughing!

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  4. This. Is. Legit. Even had to share this with a Co-worker, too funny!

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