my body.

4.04.2014

Preface.
I'm not listening to moody music or in an overly-emotional state. I've attempted to write this post for too long & since I'm on this weird, enjoyable blogging streak, I thought I would give this topic another shot. I assume if you are reading this, then I've finished it which is amazing. This should go without saying, but I'm not looking for sympathy, pity, or critique. So, let's get on with it.

My body.

I was mostly unaware of my body in my teens years. I knew I was tall, perhaps lanky, but I didn't have an opinion whether I liked it. Or if I didn't. I didn't know how much I weighed or how many calories were stuffed into a large fry at Taco Amigo. My body was just a vessel, holding my person & I was grateful for it.

McKay & I were married for a few months when we got pregnant. It was an thrilling, terrifying, wonderful time. I haven't spoken about my pregnancy very much here because I know fertility & sadly, infertility is a personal subject to so many. We weren't planning on having children so soon but as the weeks past, the fear faded & I was excited. I was almost 14 weeks when I miscarried. I'm not sure what it was about that but my opinion of my body shifted. I was so disappointed that I couldn't carry that child. I thought my body was strong, & ready but it failed. It was the first time that was aware of my body & almost as a separate entity, I was upset with it.

My working out patterns decreased, my eating became steadily unhealthy & I got a desk job. I, with the body I was upset with, changed sizes. I started becoming obsessed with my weight. I constantly weighed myself & my thoughts were constantly fixated on my flawed body.

For those who have suffered with any sort of body image issues, mild or severe, you know that the kind words from others don't change your opinion. The countless times McKay said I was beautiful, sexy, or any other kind of positive remark towards my body, I disregarded it.

Self hate is exhausting. My focus on anything positive was nonexistent. I flip flopped between fad diets, cleanses, & other "quick" methods to lose weight. I haven't ever been that person that the gym that is motivated be others. I felt defeated which ultimately ended in episodes of junk food & napping, instead of being active.

Earlier this year, I met a woman & it seemed that we have lived a parallel life. Our backgrounds were similar, our interests & we both shared body image issues. She was able to overcome hers which was amazing to me. I felt like I wasn't able to escape & I deeply wanted to.

I, cowardly, used the "well, my friend-" & spilled my own personal struggle. I didn't want her- much less anyone, to know that my body & myself were not one in the same. Her simple words changed my entire outlook on my body.

I am a religious person. If you are new here, you might not know that because I don't talk about it as much as I should on this slice of the internet. (You can learn about it here, if you want to.) Like most Christians, I believe in God & I also believe in Satan.

She said so gently but bluntly, self hate isn't of God. Just like other temptations, having negative feelings toward your body is directly influenced by Satan. For some reason, I didn't ever think that my negativity was a trial, being prodded by the Devil. My ignorance convinced me that it was just a thing that I was dealing with, not influenced by anything else.

Regardless if you are a religious person, hating your body isn't healthy. It's not worth it. It's not something that will brighten your day or lead you to make proactive decisions.

Sure, there are things about my body that I can improve on. I'll eat healthy & exercise. I'm not going to starve myself or try any more quick fixes. For what I have now, I will love my body but I'm too busy not to. As I've spoken with other women, this is something that a lot of us struggle with. If you are thin, tall, short, curvy, whatever build you have- we all have flaws & that shouldn't be a bad thing. It's what makes us different.

So,

To hell with hating our bodies because we're better than that. Our bodies are pretty awesome, flaws included.

19 comments :

  1. Pretty sure I say this on every one of your posts but AMEN. I needed this.

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  2. I couldn't have said that better myself. Definitely something every girl needs to read!! You are amazing Meg!!

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  3. Oh I LOVE this Meg. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on a sometimes tender subject. You are beautiful and amazing, and I'm sure there are MANY of us who can relate to exactly what you've felt.

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  4. You're amazing and I loved this post more than you know. Perfectly said & beautifully written.

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  5. This is awesome! Thank you so much for writing this!

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  6. It's brave to be open about personal issues, so thanks for sharing!

    In my mind a number on a scale is basically meaningless. The scale only registers weight- not your outer or inner beauty, neither of which have a direct correlation to numbers. Beauty cannot be bound in numbers, it transcends them. Who you are, what makes you beautiful- no inanimate object will never be able to register that. Women shouldn't look for validation in scales, they should look in the mirror, in the eyes of those who love them, and to god: those sources see beauty and can help you when you can't.

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  7. This is truth. And beautifully stated. Thanks Meg.

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  8. Thank you. I needed this so much. Thank you!

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  9. So beautifully put! Thank you for being so open about this issue! You are a wonderful example:)

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  10. I know you despise anonymous posting, but I'm a chicken. Thank you for sharing. Have you read Intuitive Eating? It helped me have a better relationship with my body and self. We're all fighting the good fight. Carry on, Meg.

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  11. I admire you pal. I needed a reminder myself :) Love you.

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  12. This is so incredibly beautifully said. I struggle a lot with insecurity and self hate. Thank you for this today.

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  13. Thanks for putting such valuable words "on the line" (as my grandpa calls the interwebs). I have been all different shapes and sizes in my life without thinking about it, but have now watched my lil sis battle an eating disorder and everything that goes with it for too long. You've contributed another sliver of hope to my dreams for her by posting this, so thank you thank you.

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  14. this really was something i needed to read today and was a pure answer to my prayers. thank you for this, meg.

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  15. as a girl, body image is something that i've had my battles with. i've tried many times, and almost conquered, but each time all its taken is one person to knock me back down. you are so right. and i'm really going to try to think in the back of my head when i think about how i hate my thighs, or nose, or whatever that these thoughts are not from god. best of luck on your journey.

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  16. Wow, I can't thank you enough for this post. I know we don't know each other but this was very needed in my life. Struggling with body image issues for over 7 years has finally taken it's toll on me and I'm finally starting to see the light. This post was so perfectly and beautifully written and exactly something I needed to hear(read). Thank you for sharing, Meg.

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  17. I absolutely adore your blog. I have been sitting here at work, and instead of working i have been reading every blog you've posted (creeper, yes i know). But this one really struck me and it was crazy because i have really been struggling with my image and every word in this one post has really made me have a different look on it. So i just wanted to thank you for that.

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