THE BACHELOR : WEEK 1 // THE SERIAL KILER

1.06.2015

Ah, 'tis the season for our favorite reality TV show, filled with sequin dresses found at your local strip shop & hopes to find your forever mate within the first thirty seconds of meeting. A large portion of our Monday evenings are dedicated to the Bachelor. We also call this family home evening.

I had a lot of feels after the premiere of Chris' season tonight. You know, the feels that really change your life because someone painted on their brows with a sharpie.

Chris is neither here nor there. They made the wrong Chris choice because the bachelor really should be Chris Harrison. I'll be the new host.

I resort to nicknames the first episode because it's easier to remember "Kim K impostor" instead of Ashley #4. It's also easier than saying, "Oh, the crazy one!" because they are all a little nuts.

Let's start with the one that could potentially be a serial killer. I don't like to assume that someone could be a serial killer but sometimes you just feel like- hey, you have a face that says "I just got home from a spree. Not a shopping spree at the JC Pennys. A killing spree." I'm talking about Ashley S, obviously or if you are nicer than I am. (We always need more than one Ashley per season. It makes for a healthier drinking game. Good thing, I don't drink but if you do, go take an asprin or something.) At first, she looks sweet with a fresh face, then you see the serial killer. I can't go back. I'm sure she is lovely though. The kind of lovely that you should probably stay away from. Always.

Now the drunk. That was vague, considering half of the girls were wasted but I specifically mean the one with the outfit change. *Tara. If you didn't know that, you should probably go re-watch the episode & take notes. She's fun. She's the kind of fun that you should probably just put in the front of the room & watch. Also, a "fishing enthusiast" actually means "unemployed."

Speaking of unemployed, nothing says stable human like saying on national television, "I live with my mom. I don't want to pay bills. Or cook." Sure, I understand that. If you are eight years of age. Amanda, amanda, amanda. It's outstanding that her eyes remain so wide. It actually makes me nervous. Nervous enough that I assume she is friends with the SK.

I did like a few of the girls. I use the word "like" loosely. There are a handful of girls that have learned, through watching seasons & seasons of the bachelor, to keep their crazy on the inside.

Britt. She is a cartoon character. I actually think she will be the next disney princess after Disney purchases the bachelor franchise. She's an LA-living, fun loving, but no actual loving allowed kind of girl. Chris liked her. I'm placing bets on her now.

The baby maker. Whitney has sort of a starling tone of voice, but I think she's sweet. I mean, she's a fertility nurse, guys. The inseminating pigs comment made me feel weird, but she's right- he makes baby pigs & she makes human babies. They are beautiful scientists.

Kaitlyn. Also, known as Miley Cyrus 2011. I forgot to form any opinions about her because I was so distracted by seeing a reincarnated Hannah Montana.

Kelsey for the bachelorette! Actually, Michelle Money for bachelorette, always. However, Kelsey is fabulous. Girl, those finger waves. You be so classy. She is getting a fair amount of screen time which leads me to believe she may be the next bachelorette. I also feel that way about Britt. Kelsey is stunning. Most of the bachelor clan look like carbon copies, dipped in different makeup buckets & covered in sequins. Kelsey is genuinely so pretty. I'm straight. Hello, pregnant with child but #lezbehonest. She reminds me a lot of Sharleen from Juan Pablo's season but says "organic" less.

High fives all around for reality TV. Here's to the most romantic & dramatic season thus far.

7 comments :

  1. Hi! I read your instagram account and read that you did'nt have a girl-name. But you said some time ago you liked Charlotte. I think Charlotte is a wonderful name...just saying. #noi'mnottryingtopushyouinacertaindirection haha!

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  2. i'm laughing so hard, this is spot on!! haha
    is it just me or is there an exceptional number of crazies this season? the onion/pomegranate scene, ashley's offering of the yellow "rose" to a fellow contestant, and all these crazy eyes make me feel so uncomfortable. ashely s. honestly scares me.

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  3. I agree with the Michelle money for bachelorette comment. And I didn't realize it before but Kaitlin definitely looks just like Miley Cyrus (back in the days where she wore clothes and had hair)

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  4. well... Disney does own ABC so in a way Britt could be the next disney princess! (:

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  5. Genuinely look forward to these posts every year. You nail it every time.

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  6. Don't forget Jade. The porn star. (google, you're welcome) ABC really outdid themselves this time.

    xo.
    milaadams

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  7. The Bachelor is the best entertainment. And seriously, she has got to be a serial killer.

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