THE BACHELOR : WEEK 2 // THE VIRGIN GENIE

1.13.2015

I applaud the nerve of the comeback girl, however, you are not allowed to cry over a boy that you met 30 minutes ago. Get a grip, girlfran. Desperation is not a good look. I would send her home, but I guess that why I'm not the bachelor & not a lesbian.

Ah, the comeback girl gets a round of applause. Everyone wants to kill her, so they clap.

OH, nice move, ABC. Placing the bachelor's crib within walking distance of the girls, so they don't even have to take off their heels for some light stalking (or canoodling.)

Of course Chris' shower is outside. Probably because the designers spent their budget on all of that farmer, wood panelling to make him feel at home.

Chris, I know zippers are tricky but they should be zipped above your nips.

"I am more Kardashian than I am country." That is because you are Kim's twin that was given away at birth.

I think I like Jillian but girl, cover your bits or ABC will for you.

Tractors & bikinis. They are running out of date ideas.

Yikes. I know everyone has some sort of sob story but I actually feel so sad for Julia. My feels, ah, my feels.

Kim K also looks like Esmeralda.

Oh, the girls are trying to be so understanding that Chris ditched them for a one-on-one with Frizzy. That's what I call her because she is having a hair crisis. Also, it's not judging if it's reality TV, right?

Frizzy is neurotic. Chris is terrified. So am I.

ALIENS. Of course that is where this conversation is going. I'm glad Chris considers the belief of aliens to be a red flag.

"So it's like, really, like, hard for me to, like, say. I like, have a, like, kid." You, like, are so, like, smart.

Chris doesn't know about buttons either. I'll send him a button & zipper-use pamphlet.

A rose for Frizzy & a lifetime of UFO sightings.

Oh, sweet, sweet Megan. I'll have someone ship your brain back to the house because you left it at home. Yes, you are going on a date which is why you have a date card. It's not a riddled love note.

Jordan is Kaycie B's reincarnated blonde twin.

Megan has a good face.

Oh, crap. Now I feel awful for making the missing brain remark towards Megan after her story about her dad passing away. I'm the worst.

Kelsey is still my favorite. She's so classy.

Shooting zombies. This is a fun date. Terrifying, but fun.

THE SERIAL KILLER IS OUT FOR BLOOD. "So, when I shoot people on my team?" I'm telling you people, watch the news, she'll be the headline. "Bachelor Mansion Homicide: The Outcome of a Broken Heart."

Also, the SK looks like Claire from Modern Family. Everyone looks like someone else on this season.

Jillian is perfectly cheeky. (HA, PUNS.)

SK is cracked out, right? She makes me so nervous. Perhaps she is edited to look nuts, but that is some crafty editing on ABC's part. No one can actually be that insane, or they would be admitted.

Someone needs take the alcohol away from Jordan. I think there is a booze problem in the house. They've switch out the tap water with wine.

Chris likes Hannah Montana. She has this "I'm down to earth, but still wild" thing working for her.

"How i feel is like boom. The truth is like boom. Go, like go. Go find your own way to the truth." Wise words from the SK. Someone put her in a padded room.

The producers love SK. Chris thinks she is crazy but it's out of his hands now. She is staying. Forever. SK for the next Bachelorette.

"I'm honestly just asking how you are holding up?" which means, "I am honestly just wondering if you need to be put in a straightjacket & sent far, far away."

Hannah Montana just debunked the "maybe SK is edited to look like a lunatic." She is an actual crazy person which is concerning.

BRITT IS SO CUTE. Look at those high tops, girl. I think Chris would choose Hannah Montana over Britt which leads me to think she is bachelorette material.

Told you so. Rose for Hannah Montana.

Whitney is adorable. I'm going to keep my eye on her.


KIM K IS A VIRGIN? Props, homegirl.

This is getting weird. Kim K is now Virgin Aladdin. If someone asks you to rub their belly button ring, promptly say no.

That bellybutton wish kiss is concerning.

Chris is kissing everyone. Sloppy 23rd. No thanks.

Jordan/Kaycie B's Blonde Twin needs some fluids. The kind with a 0% alcohol content. She probably couldn't specify due to the state she is in.

Samantha? Where did she come from?

HA. Jillian! Points for walking when your name isn't called & a million more for tripping. She's great.

Oh, I'm glad she got a rose. I would have given her mine.

"I think I'm Chris' type. I'm not like any of other girls here." -SK. That is the truth. It's pretty hard to swing that far on the loony scale.

YESSS, ROSE FOR SK. The producers begged for that one. She's too fun to send home.

Is it embarrassing to get dumped on national TV? Yes. Is it normal to cry your face off after you have had one date with someone & 5 other girls? No.

Oh, the dramatic, heartbreak music to accompany the fisher's exit interview. Touching.

I wonder if The Bachelor offers no-rose-for-you-counseling. Tara will need it.

Until next week, do something productive to makeup for the time you spent reading this.

5 comments :

  1. Seriously so true. I was laughing at how you explained it right on point. Crazy ladies.

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  2. i can't stop laughing! these bachelor posts are the bomb dot com. keep em coming!!

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  3. Hahahahah. You freaking mind-reader. Virgin Aladdin. On the teasers for the season where she is crying with that crazy braid thing her eyelashes are literally OUT OF CONTROL.

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  4. HAHA this is the best thing ever.

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  5. Hahahhaa this is so great. All of my bachelor thoughts written on a blog. Perfect. Keep em comin!

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