Lexi & I had plans to go to yoga tonight. I understand the entirety of that sentence makes us sound really well rounded, however, let me assure you this was the first time that we made plans to go to yoga. Also, we mutually texted & said, "you know what sounds better than yoga, not going to yoga." Then we had a conversation about being a conjoined cat twin. You can thank not going to yoga for this blog post because now I'm in bed watching reality TV re-runs at 8:30 PM. I just wanted you to know that's how much I care about this.

Let's do this play-by-play!

I think I would assault Jimmy Kimmel if he woke me up. Or at least soil myself.

I have a great idea. Chris Harrison for Bachelor. Jimmy Kimmel as the host. ABC, you should listen to me. You should also fire your creativity team because they didn't think of this before.

Hannah Montana looks just like blossoming Miley Cyrus. Look at that red lipstick & crop top.

Costco is a date. What children. Someday they will know the beauty of cheap pizza & fruitsnacks in bulk.

Oh, no. Say no to the hamster ball. Clench your buttcheeks. Passing gas would be a really terrible idea in the plastic, love chamber.

Let's count all of the girls that the farmer snogs this episode.

Snog Tally: 1, Hannah Montana.

"I specialize in making people uncomfortable." -Jimmy Kimmel. Someone put that on a shirt. I'd buy it.

This is a real debacle. Assuming by the time Phase Fantasy Suite rolls around, if you are the girl that is going to be chosen, you should know, right? I mean, I know the show would like to portray a fairy even playing ground but between the couple, it would be only normal to feel like, "I've got this in the bag. The white, ruffled, bag attached with a $100,000 paid in full wedding by ABC, bag." If that is the case, you better believe I would say keep it in your pants with the other girls.

Hannah Montana believes in the very traditional & classy, "you've got to test drive a car before you buy it" mentality. I would call that, "you've got to try all of the STI's on the menu before you choose the one you like" mentality.

Have you ever noticed how many pillows are tossed about the set? So many.

The farmer likes Hannah Montana. How fitting.

Going forward, Jillian's name is Cheeks. I bet the editing team loved her.

I like cheeks but I would not mess with her or her shoulders.

Frizzy (see previous post if you are lost on my nicknames) is still neurotic which is still concerning. Surprisingly, if you stick your finger in a raw yolk, it will break. Amazing.

Cheeks is actually a gazelle. Part gazelle, part unicorn, all muscle.

Snog Tally: 2. Hannah Montana, Cruise Singer.

"He's a really good kisser." I would say practice makes perfect. He loves practice.

Snog Tally: 3. Hannah Montana, Cruise Singer, Token Black Girl.

Snog Tally: 4. Hannah Montana, Cruise Singer, Token Black Girl, Faceless White Dress Girl.

Props to Frizzy for calling out the loose-lipped farmer.

Britt, who is too wonderful for a nickname, for bachelorette. I'm glad her moral compass is working.

Zip Lips for the win! It's more exciting to say no because evvvverrryoonne is saying yes.

Whitney, the fertility nurse, will now be named Sugar. She is so sweet. I think I originally named her the baby maker but for this episode, we will call her Sugar.

Zip Lips gets the rose! Hooray!

Woah, Serial Killer, keep your crazy facial expressions on the inside (of your padded jail cell.)

The Farmer & Sugar match! CA-UTE. That was planned. It had to be. What man chooses a hot pink button up on his own? Just the fabulous ones.

I bet crashing a wedding with a camera crew of 12 is really inconspicuous.

If this date was "totally random" then what did the producers actually have planned? Flawed. I miss ABC's (low quality) sneaky trickery.

The camera crew must be lurking about. Why didn't they come to my wedding? That would have been great.

Chris watched Hitch before his dancing.

Snog Tally: 5. Hannah Montana, Cruise Singer, Token Black Girl, Faceless White Dress Girl, Sugar.

Sugar is a true southern belle. The kind that probably wears a checkered apron & always carries a warm pie around. The farmer likes her. I do too.

"I was so excited to do my Kardashian look tonight." FROM THE MOUTH OF KIM K. Even she knows.

My heart breaks for Julia. There is just no room for mockery. I'm not a hugger but I just want to give her a hug & a cupcake.

Snog Tally: 6. Hannah Montana, Cruise Singer, Token Black Girl, Faceless White Dress Girl, Sugar, Britt.

Jade? Where did you come from? She's wearing stilettos with a bathing suit. Bad choice. Whoop, you just earned yourself a nickname. Stilettos.

Cheeks wins. Why do I find her hilarious? I'd like to hang out with her.

Snog Tally: 7. Hannah Montana, Cruise Singer, Token Black Girl, Faceless White Dress Girl, Sugar, Britt, Stilettos.

Kim K is letting her crazy leak out. Like a fart on a first date.

"You guys are awesome. I appreciate all three of you." CHEEKS FOR THE WIN. Always.

Kim K is not allowed to freak out because she is the one that was like, "Oh sure, I'll leave. Be with him, Cheeks. I'm going to sit over here & wait."

Snog Tally: 8. Hannah Montana, Cruise Singer, Token Black Girl, Faceless White Dress Girl, Sugar, Britt, Stilettos, Cheeks.

Oh, oh, oh. Kim K is going to cry. (Also, I have to include this now. I don't have a choice.)
I also just remembered I changed Kim K's name to the Virgin Genie last episode. Oh, the inconsistencies. I know it's irritating.

Someone stop Kim M. "Are you laughing or crying?" Chris is startled. Get a grip, girlfriend, get a grip.

Whoop, there it is. Her kissing makes me feel so weird. It's like when a snake tries to suffocate it's prey. Maybe that's where she learned her technique. The animal channel.

Snog Tally: 9. Hannah Montana, Cruise Singer, Token Black Girl, Faceless White Dress Girl, Sugar, Britt, Stilettos, Cheeks, Kim K.

The Serial Killer has been awfully quiet this episode.

Once again, who is Samantha? Sam, I am.

A rose for Frizzy. Just why?

Kelsey's dress is adorable.

I think before anyone decides to try out for the bachelor, you should be aware of how to exit gracefully. "I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to talk anymore" isn't it.

I watched this episode twice. The second time was just as good as the first.


  1. If I were single I would go on the bachelor just to walk out of that place with grace and pride after my 5 minute talk and a group date with the bachelor, because I feel like no one ever does, except for Jimmy Kimmel. He rocked his exit.

    Also, so many unnecessary emotions on this show. And so much awkwardness with Chris S. He never knows what the right thing to say is so he just sucks on everyone's face. I have yet to hear him ask a legitimate question to someone such as "what are you looking for in a man?" "what are your interests?""where do you see yourself in 5 years?". I'm not saying that he should be quizzing every girl, but the lack of his interest and inability to carry on a real conversation is a MAJOR turn off. I'm the opposite of charismatic but even I know better. Hopefully it gets better, because he is making me really uncomfortable. Fast.



  2. Okay, I can't explain how much I look forward to these posts. Can I please start watching the bach with you? I'll bring ice cream. and store bought cupcakes, because you know, mine wouldn't hold a candle to your gourmet baking. Please?


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