LET'S DO THIS. Lex & I just celebrated some exciting news over crepes. Now we are about to enjoy some wholesome reality TV.

Oh, sister's choice. I love this twist.

Nothing is more natural than bright red lips & a freshly steamed dress.

Another date that requires a bikini. Chris prefers his women scantily clad.

Oh, there goes the Virgin Genie's top & Hannah Montana's bottoms. CLASS.

Kelsey wins. I'm glad she agrees that getting naked for funsies isn't a good look on national TV.

Cheeks' cheeks are falling out. Again.

Jade get's the one on one? She is nice but rather dull. Britt isn't impressed. Neither am I.

THE BUTTON. BUTTON YOUR SHIRT, CHRIS. Your cleav is not impressive.

"I'm a touchy feeling guy." We know. We have a running tally.

I really like Kelsey. She seems rather level-headed. She because she doesn't show of her goods doesn't indicate she isn't there for the right reasons. Also, I use the phrase "right reasons" loosely.

Girls camp flashbacks. -Lex

I have no words for Serial Killer's mannerisms.

Hannah Montana's explanation of SK is SPOT ON.

She's nuts. "I really love you. I really love everything about you." Chris is afraid that she is going to cut him up into pieces & scatter his limbs throughout the forest.

"I don't know if Ashley S. is here for the right reasons, but I don't think she knows where she is." PREACH.

The Virgin Genie/Kim K is on the PROWL. That kissing makes me so uncomfortable. It's like he is a really great, medium rare steak & she finally gave up being a vegetarian.

I think I like Hannah Montana even though her Miley is showing through. If you catch my drift.

OH. The Virgin Genie is about to become just the genie. In the tent she goes.

She is being very eloquent. & by "eloquent" I mean she is being very Ashley S./Serial Killer-like.

PINK HAIR. If I could, I would.

I wouldn't hate this date. Sure, whisk me away & put me in a fancy gown.

I do feel weird about all of the girls watching.

Drop all of the sponsors at once. Neil Lane & Cinderella. The bills are now paid, ABC.

Everyone is upset that they have been stuck with farmer-Chris & then unsuspecting Jade gets the diamonds.

"She [referring to Kim K/The Genie] needs to ride her lashes home." -Lex

"Hey Chris, can you just, like, waltz by yourself for a second?" said by the very creative producer.

That spray tan is looking very spray tan-y, Chris.

I would like to know what concealer they used to cover up Jade's back tatt. Also, that seems like a weird thing to do. ABC's princess rule #1: no tattoos.

Kim K in her bejeweled gown with her corn on the cob. Picture perfect. Someone call Disney.

Jade reminds me of Desiree, who reminds me of dry toast.

There is nothing more romantic than dancing on a tiny stage with a million other people watching. I hope she falls off. I would fall off.

"Cheese with a side of cheese." -Lex

"This is what I wear normally." says Jillian in a cloud of chiffon & tulle. I do love you, Cheeks.

Why can't they leave the "farmer in the dirt" concept alone?

Oh, who has it easier? The girl dressed in a gown with a train or the knee-length, sun dress? Unfair. I would rip my dress into pieces. Or just sit down. I really wouldn't do well on this season. It's like Wipe Out & Fear Factor. Two things I hate.

"Enjoy the plane ride. & the free snacks." -Chris.

Those muscles though. I am impressed, Jillian. So impressed.

Oh, she's going home. It's fine to be fluid but coming off as generally unplanned isn't appealing.

WOAH. She's chatty.

"I begin to think of unicorns." What.

Cue Toby Keith, "Want to talk about me, want to talk about I.." -Lex

WHOOP, THERE IT IS. She wasn't expecting that. She's unwinding.

Is she crying? Oh, no. OH NO.

"I wish I could have shared my heart with you sooner." The heart filled with muscle talk & would you rather canoodle a homeless person questions.

CHEEKS FOR BACHELORETTE. That would be a ride. All of the 5 PM meat heads would leave their local gyms & pack their supplements for the bachelor mansion.

Better idea. Cheeks & Britt for duel bachelorettes.

Oh, I hide things between my tots too. Usually leftover lunch crumbs & sometimes unexplained cash. (Okay, probably because you need cash for the Costco deli so I store it in my bra just in case. Not in a I-work-the-corner-unexplained-cash kind of way.)

The Genie Kim K. is the most promiscuous prude I've ever met.

"I'm a virgin." "That's greeeeatt." says tony the tiger.

Why is she crying?

"He isn't freaking out because you are a virgin. He's freaking out because you're weird." -Lex

Pat that concealer, girl.

Two virgins in the house!

The first virgin is not impressed.

"You stole my virgin thunder." -Lex

SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT LIP PRODUCTS BRITT USES. Her stain is spot on. Every. Time.

Britt wins. High five for hitting the farmer with hard questions such as "do you only give roses to girls that take their clothes off?"

Chris isn't having it because he may be a lukewarm hoe bag. Hats off to Britt because that is all she is willing to take off.

Roses. Here we go.

Whitney's dress is pretty.

Someone take Megan to sephora to get her foundation matched.

Kim K. needs to be medicated.

Kelsey looks FABULOUS. Always. She is another favorite of mine.

I quite like Becca, Virgin #2, as well. She has pretty teeth? Is that a weird thing to say? I like them anyway.


Wait. No rose for SK? NOOOOO. She was so insightful. SK for bachelorette!

"Take care of yourself." That means, "go check yourself into a psych ward."

NEXT WEEK LOOKS SO FANTASTIC. Also, I may be eating my words about Kelsey.

"I feeeeeel nothing. I have no feelings." I have no soul.

She's an owl. Why is she hooting?

"Bachelor, you're doing it for me this time. Props." -Lex


  1. Oh my goodness perfect, PERFECT explanation of that girls kissing! I can't watch her and Chris yuckkk.

  2. I loved reading this! HA bachelor is totally my guilty pleasure and that Ashley was hilarious! best goodbye HA!

  3. honestly couldn't tell ya which ashley made me feel more uncomfortable this week. both are nuts.
    so excited for next week's drama!!!! it looks like it's going to be a good one!

  4. There are so many crazies on this season. It's amazing. And yes, I'm glad someone else noticed the tattoo on Jades back! I was wondering if it was or if her back just had an abnormally large, dark spot on it. She has one of her foot too. That's probably why they made her wear a long dress and the one time she showed her shoes to the other girls she was showing it on the foot where she didn't have a tattoo. I can just hear the producers "Jade, honey, could you show your shoe on the foot that's not inked? k, thanks!".


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