This week's episode of the bachelor would be a million years long if I gave you my play-by-play. Oh, this season is not disappointing. Let's do a character rundown, shall we?
Chris // Horn Dog Disguised Farm Boy
I wasn't particularly thrilled when ABC announced Chris as The Bachelor so perhaps I'm biased. Sure, he is from a small town. Sure, he is a farmer. Sure, he wears a lot of plaid & doesn't know what an urban top button is. Sure, all he wants is that bass. He gets is from evvveerrryyoonnneee too. He's a floozy & he is in the right place to be one.
Ashley I. // Kim K's 16 Year Old Clone Who Needs a "You Can't Sit With Us" Shirt
The virgin genie needs to calm down. I actually think she is a teen who was able to pull off a really great fake ID to get onto the show. I know it's not fair, sweet cheeks. You & your virginity needs to take a serious chill pill or go home to make it to prom in time.
Becca // The One With Nice Teeth
I don't have a catchy nickname for Becca. I don't particularly have an opinions about her either. There are still enough girls in the house right now that I consider "fillers" & she is one of them. She's my favorite of the fillers though. She has a cute face & nice teeth but I don't think she will stay much longer.
Britt // Not Showering Means You Grow Glitter
It does concern me that Britt openly admits to not showering but I feel her, you know? Showering is the worst. Plus, her hair looks great. I wouldn't shower either if I woke up looking like I just had a Brazilian blowout. She is still a cartoon character to me & waking up covered in glittered only confirmed that for me. They canoodled which she calls "napping." I guess thanks for protecting the innocent, like Kim K. She doesn't even know what canoodling is, right?
Carly // I Like You More Each Week
The cruise ship singer? Who would have even thought! I think she's funny. I would hang out with her. She did get a little bugged when she woke up to Chris making out with Britt, but I think that is relatively valid. I wouldn't want to be bothered that early for any reason either. That one on one was something else. By "something else" I actually mean "something that makes me feel so uncomfortable I couldn't stop fidgeting." I would have raised my hand & skipped out on that date. I'm glad she said, "hey, this is weird." I don't think their relationship (ha, relationship, what is that?) will go much further. She's great though.
Jade // Dry Toast
I'm so bored every time Jade talks. That is the only thought I have about her because I accidentally fell asleep.
Kaitlyn // Hannah Montana
Crappppp guys. I like Kaitlyn. She's funny. I think she will go far. Perhaps even win? If not, I could also get on the hannah-montana-for-bachelorette train. You can't ignore her wit.
Kelsey // This Is How I Feel About Her Right Now
WHAT HAPPENED? She was so eloquent & classy then quickly turned psychotic. I really feel so badly about her husband-dying-saga, but it makes me feel real weird when she says "my story is awesome. Tragic, but awesome." What an odd, optimistic outlook on your husband dying. My thoughts are unclear. I'm mostly scared of her right now.
Mackenzie // Forever Frizzy
I have no idea how she is still here. She's neurotic & needs hair tips from the un-showered Britt.
Megan // All I Need Is A Brain
She has beautiful skin. She also has a beautiful opening in her head where a brain would normally go. It's incredible. TLC should make a show about her called "how I live without a brain." New Mexico is the most beautiful foreign country within the United States that I've ever been to.
Samantha // Who?
Who is she? She's a filler that will be gone next week.
Whitney // The Sweetest Southern Belle
She is wonderful. I have nothing negative (SURPRISE!) to say about her. I adore her. Top 4, for sure. She's pleasant in all of the right ways.