+ What a well calculated meltdown, Kelsey. Well played.

+ I'm eating my words. I liked Kelsey so much but then she let allllllllllll of her crazy out at once.

+ Smart. She's brilliant. "I'm not dying, but I do request to talk to Chris, so I'll pretend that I'm having a panic attack."

+ I think Chris will keep her simply because he is afraid to be shanked. She gives me weird, psychopathic, murder-y vibes.

+ The girls want to light her on fire. "AND THEN, THE BROWNIES.." Her recovery is impeccable.

+ Eloquent-crazy-pants will get a rose. It's not farm boy's choice at this point. The producers know she is a money maker.

+ I'm forgiving Carly for her sperm-y brows because she is fantastic.

+ Awe, Kim K/Virgin Genie/16 year old drama queen is crying again. Crying with those lashes would be a great work out/medically dangerous.

+ WHO the crap is Samantha?

+ "If I get rejected tonight, I don't think I'll ever be able to get over it." -Frizzy. I know that a relationship that has lasted a cumulative amount of 45 minutes is absolutely life shattering when it ends. I get it, girl. It's how I feel every time I leave target.

+ aHA, rose for Kelsey. I am thrilled & terrified.

+ Hannah Montana/Kaitlin is wise. Everything she says I want to high five. Someone please punch Kelsey in the teeth-holder.

+ "I'm not here looking for drama." says the farm boy. It's like he hasn't seen the show. I'm pretty sure Chris Harrison starts every season with "THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON YET!"

+ "..I'm here with 8 wonderful, charming women. And Kelsey will be there also." CARLY FOR THE WIN, GUYS. I'm sending her an Anastasia Brow Wiz right now.

+ Cat shot. Love those. So touching & cinematically moving.

+ Shut the Kelsey door. SHUT IT. I'm pausing the show for a brief rant. She sure loves exploiting her dead husband which is turning into nasty entitlement. It's hard to sympathize with her when she cackles after every widow remark she makes. She's needs a self help book called, "you aren't the only one that is going through hard things which means you aren't entitled to a better life than those around you. You stupid-" Since my title is so long I had to cut out an expletive but you get it.

+ Awe, one on one for Becca. I would be happy with anyone but Kelsey. Eh, Kim K. too. She's a different kind of crazy. Regardless, I quite like Becca (& her teeth.)

+ Chris wears so much plaid.

+ He asked her on this date so he can kiss her. He doesn't want to have a virgin mark on his record.

+ BOOM. Whitney is right. She loves playing the victim.

+ Kelsey is so manipulative. I want to scratch her eyes out & remove her vocabulary. Just because you are eloquent, girlfran, doesn't give you the right to act "holier than thou."

+ "I've never had a panic attack until last night." BACK UP THE TRAIN. You are telling me that when you found out that your husband dropped dead while walking to work you were able to maintain your anxiety, however, with the thought that you may not get a rose from farm boy sent you right into a panic attack? I'm calling your bluff because your manipulation is on point, but I can see right through it. Oh, & so can everyone else.

+ "..because I'm smart." I just exploded.

+ Chris sounds like a dainty, cartoon bird when he laughs.

+ This date feels normal. Normality is nice. With that said, I also feel like they are just buddies. Get out of that friend zone, Becca, get out!

+ YAS. Kim K & Eloquent Psychopath on the two on one! ABC, I love you so much. All of my hopes & dreams.

+ Kelsey's laugh is made up of dead puppies & running out of dry shampoo. All of the bad things.

+ WOAH. Weird first kiss for farm boy & becca.

+ Oh, they recovered. Sort of. Kissing in front a camera crew would be real awkward.

+ Britt's outfit is straight out of Grease. I don't hate it.

+ This date is my worst nightmare. I have a firm policy against skits, song writing & singing alone in front of people. I would have an actual panic attack.

+ I don't know what it is about Jade that bothers me. Everything she does is so sweet but there is something off. Her insecurity is bothersome. She also has a touch of "I grew up in the trailer park behind the railroad tracks." Whoop, I forgot my filter at home today.

+ Confession: I love Big & Rich.

+ Britt & Chris love each other. I love Britt, even if she doesn't shower & wears glitter to bed. Someone tell me what stain she is using on her lips because it is always on point.

+ Sometimes when I feel embarrassed for others, I get the goosebumps. I've had goosebumps since Chris started singing. I think they are permanent.

+ Chris is so smitten with Britt. It's adorable.

+ Kaitlin is Miley Cyrus. SURPRISE. Her rapping & those leather leggings. I can't get over it.

+ No one loves the badlands. (Okay, it's a nice place, but I just want to disagree with everything Kelsey says.)

+ It's sweet that Chris stole Britt away but it was also a slam to the rest of the girls. It would have been more considerate to send the rest of the group home.

+ Ohhhh, rose for Britt. The other girls are going to be so happy for them!

+ EEEEEE. The tension is high.

+ Chris B-lined it to the door. I would too. Poor Britt.

+ I like that the producers are wanting the girls to sit & reminisce about the day. Evil, but wonderful entertainment.

+ WOAH. Whitney's eye-daggers are fierce.

+ It would have been one thing if Britt instigated the getaway but it was Chris' doing. It was a butthole-move leaving her with the girls-turned-hyenas.

+ If Britt doesn't win, she is definitely the next bachelorette. Also, if she doesn't win, something must go very, very wrong in the next few episodes.


+ Kelsey loves being smart because she lacks any other noble traits.

+ I don't know who I love/hate more. Psychopath or Kim K. They are both so wonderfully awful & awfully wonderful.

+ Just casually laying in a canopy bed in the middle of the dessert. Normal.

+ Pause. Kim K. exploits her virginity card the same way Psychopath drops the dead husband excuse. I  have a very hard time believing that the virgin genie is pure because her "I'm-going-to-attack-your-face" kissing is quite telling. She may be a technical virgin but her promiscuity probably reaches just before literal baby making. Okay, play.

+ Pause again. This is not a new show. Unless ABC plucked Kim K out of the Amazon rainforest, which I'm going to say is unlikely because of those eyelashes, she must know the basic rules of the show. 1) don't let your crazy out. 2) don't talk about the other girls like you are in the 8th grade. Oops, she is continuously breaking both. Play.

+ I would take a nap on the 2-on-1. I imagine when the other girl disappears into the dessert, they must be gone for quite some time. A nap, a book, netflix, anyone?

+ BARF. Kelsey can't get through one sentence without mentioning her life situation.

+ "I've been myself." Yeah, you should have gone with someone else.

+ "She's a Kardashian who didn't get to go on her princess date who has way too much makeup on." Finally, something I can agree with.

+ The genie's contour is looking busted. Blend, girl, blend.

+ There are actual laser beams coming out of Kelsey's eyeballs. Do you see that? Amazing.

+ "I know what you did." SHIVERS DOWN MY SPINE.

+ "I'm from freaking 2014." Everything she said reminds me of a classic, stereotypical 16 year old.

+ ASHLEY HAS HER MASTERS? Masters in not being a virgin, maybe. I am genuinely shocked.

+ Ashley really needs to get a grip. Why is she always crying? Yes, you gossiped about the awful Kelsey. Yes, Chris confronted her about it. Yes, Kelsey tried to kill you with words. No, you are not allowed be shocked that Chris told Kelsey it was you who brought up the dirty laundry. Hello, two on one. Who else would have? The producers? No. They knew that you are crazy enough to keep the ratings up on your own.

+ Chris is trapped in the dessert with two women who should be admitted to the psych ward. Heaven help him.

+ He is sending Ashley home. He is sending Ashley home! She's going to lose it.

+ Losing it. A loogy, that is.

+ "I don't think I can give you the lifestyle you want." She'll have to be adopted into the Kardashian family for that life.

+ Ashley, the one with the master's degree, just said, "LIKE SERIOUSLY?"

+ Insert Kim Kardashian crying meme here.

+ She is stomping off into the dessert. GOOD PLAN.


+ Oh, an audible "this B is crazy" sigh from Chris.

+ Back into the dessert she stomps. She is really going to regret acting like a lunatic on national television.

+ I want to be the bag-fetcher for ABC for the two-on-ones. That would be the BEST job.

+ "Oh my gosh, can we, like, not do this right now?" That sentence should be topped off with an "I CAN'T EVEN."

+ Kelsey is so pleased. Look how genuinely concerned she is for Chris. All of the eye rolls.

+ Chris just capped out his 3 sigh rule. If he sighs more than 3 times before he starts a conversation, that means you are going home.

+ This is how this date happened.
Chris: these [fill in your own word] be crazy,
ABC: I know. Have you seen our ratings?
Chris: can I please send Ashley & Kelsey home? I'm going to be murdered, I think.
ABC: Sure! After the two-on-one. Let's milk these lunatics for as long as possible.

+ If Chris is taking off in the helicopter, I hope ABC makes Kelsey & Ashley ride out of the dessert together. You know, gas conservation.

+ I would leave them both in the dessert. They can fight it out, like beta fish.

+ AH, they are cutting out the rose ceremony again? Hook, line & sinker.

+ TWO DAY BACHELOR EVENT. Yes, yes, yes!

+ Remember my jade-in-the-trailer-park comment that was really rude. I'm pretty sure that was just confirmed when she said she casually did some nude modeling for Play Boy.

+ THIS SEASON IS SO GREAT- in a "this is the worst show in the whole world but I can't stop now" sort of way. I think that is what drug users also say.


  1. Your recaps and comments of the Bachelor are my FAVORITE. So funny. Basically my thoughts throughout this whole episode.

  2. I look forward to your posts on the Bachelor almost more than the actual episodes! Your comments are always spot on!

  3. Best bachelor recaps. It just adds even more entertainment to this already very entertaining season! Your comments are hilarious...I would also love to be the ABC bag fetcher! Haha

  4. i seriously look forward to tuesday's just to hear your recaps, which are always spot on [cyper fist bump]. looking forward to the 2-day bachelor event!!

  5. Just watched this episode and you've flawlessly summed up everything I was thinking. So glad we said goodbye to both the Genie and crazy crazy Kelsey this week!

  6. Hahaha this is so on point. I'm dying


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