I'm back. The 2010 version. // late night rambles about late nights.

7.17.2015

Do you know those relationships that may stay dormant for years, but when you do run into that long lost friend in the isle of Target, it's as if that time wasn't a barrier? You chat as if they are your neighbor & you borrow sugar regularly? Well- not my neighbor. That's another story for another day.

Blog, that's not how I feel about you. You are that ex-boyfriend that I haven't seen in a while. Admittedly, I run away from you. The embarrassing kind of running. As in, actual running like a lunatic. You're awkward. We're awkward. We don't really know each other anymore, but we have a lot of memories together. I'd like to get back with you. (My blog. I'm talking about my blog if all of you weirdo's think I am stirring up weird things from my past.) Back to my plea to my blog,

I miss you. I once read a newer, younger version of you. It had more adjectives & more honesty. It was scattered, which is what I expect, because some things never change but we were committed.

We started our relationship in 2008. Our relationship started as an immature place to banter about our 9th grade relationships, but eventually it evolved. In 2010, it was a place for documenting. Emotions, every day events, & things that don't matter to most, but mattered to us.

Let's get back to that place.

--

Now that I have made nice with this weird place on the internet, I'm going to pretend that we haven't been on a break. (We were on a break, Rachel.

It's nearly midnight. My people are asleep. We recently transitioned Juniper to her crib, which hasn't been as big as a nightmare as most claim it will be. Most claim that parenthood in general will be a nightmare. Those people are the worst. Being a mother (I suddenly turned extremely formal. Bring out the tea!) Ahem, being a mom is wonderful. However, last night was terrible. It was the first time that I had the thought, "what on earth have I gotten myself in to?"
On occasion, McKay works through the night. I love my husband but I can function as a human without him. I prefer him here, because he's a great spooner & a really awesome dad, but I don't often fall to pieces when he needs to go to work. We are adults. We love each other, but we are humans. Individuals. I don't feel bad about that.
Perhaps it was a touch of paranoia or the distraction of endless instagram feeds, but I was awake. At 3:00 AM, I missed Juniper. I miss her often, but this time, I ached for her. It's something I didn't understand before I had her, but the love a parent has for a child is overwhelming. I scooped her up from her crib, & brought her back to bed.
We don't co-sleep. Not because I think it's fundamentally wrong. Only because I, selfishly, sleep better sprawled from each corner of the bed. Poor McKay. Either way, last night, my bed was empty as McKay worked & Juniper is a great snuggler.
I fell asleep at 4 AM.
She woke up at 4:45 AM. Abruptly. Suddenly. & so, so loudly. I don't know the woes of sleepless nights as most new moms do. Juniper has slept through the night since she was born. The mornings she wakes up before 8 often are caused of her panic of losing her binky.
I went through the checklist of things that normal solve her cries. Her pacifier. A bottle. A new diaper. A fresh, tight swaddle. Warm cuddles with me. Teething tablets for what we believe to be the early stages of teething.
She remained awake. As did I. This is about when I started losing my mind. I sat in the nursery, with my unconsolable child as I sobbed.
As 8 AM approached, I called McKay. The memory is hazy, as I was nearly asleep. I do remember crying uncontrollably. Exhaustion is not my friend. He had a meeting. An important meeting. A meeting that he probably needed his wife to be put together for to watch the little one.
Even so, knowing that my child was safe, fed & fine, I put her in her crib & fell back to sleep to her cries. I woke up a short few hours later. McKay was at his meeting, with Juniper.
Now, almost 24 hours later, I don't know how single parents do it. I couldn't do it. Or even someone who has a spouse that travels. For example, Bri (BFF/sister in law) has five children. FIVE. A 6 year old, a 4 year old, 21 month old twins & a tiny, tiny baby girl who was born in June. She's insane. On top of that, her husband travels. A lot. I mean, he doesn't go to the neighboring state for a few days. In actuality, he travels outside of the country for extended periods of time. Bri took her flock of children to church, by herself, for the entire three hour block. If I hear one more person say they can't make it through the 1st hour because their only child ran out of cheerios, I'm going to demand a wife swap with Bri.

These are my feelings. Luckily, the exhaustion isn't permanent. 

5 comments :

  1. I love you. And your friends references. And references to running away from exes. I'm glad you're back. I shall be here every middle of the night during nursing sessions! Yay!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I just want you to know that I secretly (well openly now) stalk you on every possible social media outlet. Sometimes I want to badly to screenshot your snapchats (not because i am a freak) but because holy-crap-Juniper-is-so-cute-and-this-needs-to-be-documented! Also, that sly friends reference was perfect. So was this post. I have found the older I get the more nervous I am to be a mother because people talk about stretch marks and never sleeping and children ruining their lives and I just love reading your newsfeed and blog because it feels like such a fresh breath from all that horrible talk. Bravo. I applaud you. Welcome back !

    ReplyDelete
  3. yayyyy welcome back to blog land! :) I love how you write so keep this blog relationship up! you two deserve eachother (and I selfishly want to keep reading about your life) and by the way, I love Juniper for a name. Seriously cutest name ever. I nanny and I used to take the children to church with me on Some Sundays. It was literally a circus. We would sit in the overflow and once one of them decided to run around in the back with all the extra chairs and managed to domino all the chairs. They crashed to the hard gym floor in the middle of a testimony. I just covered my head in shame and we left right after sacrament. I could never do the single parent life!
    xo, Candace | Lovely Little Rants

    ReplyDelete
  4. haha; that is one amazing husband you got there. I think you should keep him. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Please stay so I don't have to go through withdrawals again. I need you at my 3am pump session.

    ReplyDelete

Proudly designed by | mlekoshiPlayground |